Master has taken on another girl. I’ll call her Mari – he calls her Mariposa. We were setting up to be a nice poly family. That is until she ran away….again. They’re mending things again. Her and I are okay. She is…a woman I admire, a woman I actually love. But in this, I’ve been trying to figure out where I fit…and what holds me back.
What is it I fear, exactly, by submitting to him completely? What happens if I do let go? It isn’t just me – but what happens to my kids? My daughter I don’t worry about so much. How do I submit completely to Master and not alienate my son? I don’t want either child to grow up feeling like I left them in the cold or defenseless. I don’t want them to hate me, like I hated my grandmother.
I worry. I’m afraid….afraid of leaving my children “out there”. I know he won’t do that…and as much as he and my son don’t get along, I know he’ll try his best to raise my son right. I know he won’t make me “stop” being a mother. I know he’ll stand by my side as a parent, as my husband. In my head, I know all these things.
I’m afraid that if I do the work, he won’t even notice. For me, that’s a kind of rejection. I can’t handle that, not from him. What if I do all that he wants and he still doesn’t see? I’m afraid of the kind of hurt that will bring.
I have to be strong. I have to focus. I have to learn to trust and to let go. I have to let my family, my little poly family support me and help me face my fears. Because I so very much want to please Master. I want to be his.
I want to be kind, giving, caring and more self-less than I am. I want to work hard and I don’t understand why I hold myself back. I want the confidence and the sureness I had before…the idea that no matter what life handed me, at some point, I’d be okay. I want to feel,….secure. And maybe, ultimately, that’s my fear….that if I submit to him like I want to, I won’t be secure.
I can’t live with “What if” hanging over my head. I have to set an example for Mari. She thinks I’m smart and wise and wonderful. I don’t know how to live up to that. I don’t want her to live under “what if” ….I want her to know that life can sometimes be beautifully messy and we should embrace it and not be afraid of it. I feel like a failure, because right now, I can’t show her that because I’m so afraid.
I need to focus on following my rules. I need to step up…for both him and Sir. I need to be the submissive I know I can be.