The desire….

Master has taken on another girl.  I’ll call her Mari – he calls her Mariposa.  We were setting up to be a nice poly family. That is until she ran away….again.  They’re mending things again.  Her and I are okay.  She is…a woman I admire, a woman I actually love.  But in this, I’ve been trying to figure out where I fit…and what holds me back.

What is it I fear, exactly, by  submitting to him completely?  What happens if I do let go? It isn’t just me – but what happens to my kids?  My daughter I don’t worry about so much.  How do I submit completely to Master and not alienate my son? I don’t want either child to grow up feeling like I left them in the cold or defenseless. I don’t want them to hate me, like I hated my grandmother.

I worry.  I’m afraid….afraid of leaving my children “out there”.  I know he won’t do that…and as much as he and my son don’t get along, I know he’ll try his best to raise my son right.  I know he won’t make me “stop” being a mother.  I know he’ll stand by my side as a parent, as my husband.  In my head, I know all these things.

I’m afraid that if I do the work, he won’t even notice.  For me, that’s a kind of rejection.  I can’t handle that, not from him.  What if I do all that he wants and he still doesn’t see? I’m afraid of the kind of hurt that will bring.

I have to be strong.  I have to focus.  I have to learn to trust and to let go.  I have to let my family, my little poly  family support me and help me face my fears.  Because I so very much want to please Master.  I want to be his.

I want to be kind, giving, caring and more self-less than I am.  I want to work hard and I don’t understand why I hold myself back. I want the confidence and the sureness I had before…the idea that no matter what life handed me, at some point, I’d be okay.  I want to feel,….secure.  And maybe, ultimately, that’s my fear….that if I submit to him like I want to, I won’t be secure.

I can’t live with “What if” hanging over my head.  I have to set an example for Mari.  She thinks I’m smart and wise and wonderful.  I don’t know how to live up to that. I don’t want her to live under “what if” ….I want her to know that life can sometimes be beautifully messy and we should embrace it and not be afraid of it.  I feel like a failure, because right now, I can’t show her that because I’m so afraid.

I need to focus on following my rules.  I  need to step up…for both him and Sir.  I need to be the submissive I know I can be.

Posted in Me

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