This prompt is from Submissive Journaling Prompts
Do I think I could be happy in a vanilla relationship and what would that look like?
The answer, for me, is no. I have never been happy in a vanilla relationship – and when I look back on things, I can see it and I can see that things were missing. Being with Master, I’m sure that I couldn’t go back to that and be happy.
Here’s why: I need for someone to have the lead in a relationship. I can’t be the one to do it. This is not a desire for me, this is an actual need. When the relationship is left up to me – I wander. I don’t mean that I stray from my partner, but Master says I run amok. I need someone to pull me in when I’m too far afield. I need someone to put me in my place, sometimes forcefully. I can’t function in a vanilla relationship. I don’t think I ever knew how – but, I’m sure that I don’t remember how to if I ever did.
It’s strange to say I couldn’t function in a vanilla relationship because I don’t really think of myself in terms of “vanilla” and “not vanilla”. It’s all me and it’s all a part of me. I’ve said it before – BDSM is what Master and I do and not who we are. But, really, what I mean by that is the play. We *are* Master and slave – I’m his slave, always. That doesn’t turn on and off when I go to work or out to the game shop. Granted, I’m not kneeling when we go out to dinner or doing any other outward things necessarily – but, I’m still his slave. I do “vanilla” things and can function in a “vanilla” world. I don’t need Master at my backside with a whip (Okay, well, most of the time).
I don’t necessarily need the play to be happy in a relationship – though, it is an important part, for me. Play is foreplay, for me. I get wound up and turned on. When Master is brutal and rough with me – which I’d like for him to get increasingly so – it’s a release for me. It’s not necessarily sexual, but emotional. I need that. I somehow doubt a “vanilla” man could do that for me – or would even be willing to. I could do without the toys and be alright – but, I’m not sure I could do without the hands – the spanking, the punching, the hitting. I’m not sure I could do without the punishment – even the serious punishment. I don’t enjoy it, but it’s … needed? I’m not sure how to explain that. I need it, I guess. I like having that “hard” line and knowing when I crossed it – and, really, that’s all part of being put in my place, right?
Bottom line is, very few men that aren’t lifestyle could or would be willing to put my in my place – forcefully if needed. Very few are good at taking the lead in the relationship and keeping it. Frankly, few men IN the lifestyle seem willing to step up and TAKE the control and keep it – by force if necessary. Yes, I use that term a lot. I don’t want to simply give control – I want you to take it. I grow frustrated and restless when I’m left to my own devices.
When I look back on my relationships before discovering BDSM and before having Master – I can see now that’s why they didn’t work. I was waiting for them to DO. At the time, I didn’t know what I wanted them to do or what was missing from my puzzle. So, I would get restless and angry …and bored. I would do things to intentionally piss them off. When I started to figure out what the lifestyle was and what it was I wanted, it got worse. The men I was meeting were *supposed* to be in control – and few of them were. They were supposed to want to hold me down and “tame” me, but that didn’t happen either. And I got increasingly frustrated and upset.
Now, I know what I need. I have a name for it, I have a need and a desire for it. I have the words to put to it – at least enough that others know what it is I crave. I would get too frustrated with a vanilla relationship. Even as a “secondary” relationship to Master, I would get too frustrated, too restless.