There are times when it just seems like no matter what I do, or how hard I try, I fail at everything. When I fail and continually fail, what’s the point of trying? If no one sees that I’m trying – or cares – why should I? Change is difficult. It takes time…and yes, I slide back sometimes.
Weight loss is a good example. I have slacked off on it. I know it. We’ve had other worries … and to be honest, I’ve had a running headache for the last week. I’m tired because I’m stressed. And yes, these are all excuses….valid as they may be. Tonight, I did a bellydance dvd. When I told Master, he was like, “let me guess, just one”. But, when I asked if he wanted me to do another, he said not to worry about it. But it was in that way that said he did want me to do another. When I started, he told me not to worry about it – that he’d have to get used to me and the roomie not wanting to better ourselves and doing bare minimum to scoot by.
I have plans but, somehow my plans always – ALWAYS – get put on the back burner. Whatever I want or need takes second seat to the household and the kids. And, generally, I’m alright with this. Because, really, what I want is for everyone to be happy – especially Master. But, sometimes, it just feels like I’m put in a position where I’m damned if I do, damned if I don’t. I can’t make him happy just doing one routine, but I can’t make him happy doing a second routine like he seems to want. So, what do I do?
Things have been strained between us lately, and I’ve been worried that we’re sliding right back to where we were. He hasn’t been nearly as affectionate to me as he was being for awhile. Maybe I stopped trying then? But, it’s made me question and anxious and probably territorial. I chalked it up to stress – we’ve both been feeling it lately, I know. The only one who doesn’t seem stressed is the roomie. Last night, Master put his arm around me while we were in bed….and I almost cried with relief. I don’t like it when things are strained between us. I hate it. And I hate even more that I don’t know what to do about it.
I need a push sometimes, a reminder that I’m falling off the path to change….or a note that maybe I’m not trying hard enough. I also need that encouragement when I *am* doing right – when I am keeping up the effort. I need that recognition – by words and touch. What I don’t need is pent up anger thrown at me when I’m giving up or feeling isolated or anxious. I need encouragement and direction – isn’t that the role of a Master? Yes, sometimes, I do do bare minimum and let life carry me along ….because sometimes, its all I know to do.
I want to make Master happy – always. If I’m not doing enough, I wish he’d just tell me “I want you to do more”…more exercise, more …whatever. I can’t promise everything will be instant, but I will do my best. I’m trying not to intrude with his girlfriend, I’m trying not to be territorial in general….I’m trying to …change, all around. I *do* want to be better and I want us to be in a better position. I don’t want us stressed all the time. It isn’t fair to him and it isn’t fair to me or to the relationship. I know stress will come….life can’t be lived without it sometimes, but…sometimes is the operative word.
Now, I’m sick to stomach and I want to cry. I’ve disappointed Master….and …I hate that. I failed. I always fucking fail. How do I stop failing?